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Honor all the Parts

I’ve had a really hard time processing the end of a very important friendship in my life with T due to my BPD. I understand what happened from a mental health perspective, but it has caused me so much anxiety and depression during the process of letting it go. I brought it up in my therapy session last Monday and the therapist (H) said what I was feeling was shame.

Ah shame, I know you. You’ve been with me my whole life, making me feel small, insignificant, embarrassed and unworthy. You’ve held me back from myself and others in so many ways, I’ve lost count. You’ve fought me on decisions that were for my best interests, kept me conforming, influenced my humanity toward others, induced hatred and self-loathing and kept me believing that there was something deeply wrong with me – that I wasn’t good enough over and over again. Even now I wallow in it. If I wasn’t so shameful, maybe I might be lovable. If I wasn’t so shameful, maybe I could love myself.

In the healing process, I was hoping that somehow, I could let go of the significant amount of shame that I feel towards myself but that isn’t how it works. You can let go of parts of yourself that no longer serve you and I believe those parts still stay apart of you. You must honor those parts in the whole just as you would any other.

Failed relationships are also a part of you. The connection you once had with someone doesn’t just go away with their presence and the fact you couldn’t make it work doesn’t make you a bad person. The fact they left doesn’t mean you are unlovable. I will always love and treasure my memories with T. In Buddhist traditions, a close connection follows one through this life and into the next.

As for my relationship with shame, I’m heartbroken at how much I’ve let it into my life at the expense of my prana, my way of being, and how I want to show up in this world for myself and others. The pressure it puts on me is unbearable and the way it demands my attention is unacceptable. Shame has its place in my life at times, in moments, but not as a constant theme. I am a good person and don't need it to guide me in making the right choices in life. Shame comes from fear, not love. Therefore, I hope to one day grieve its loss.


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