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I felt a shift today.



Letting go of the past and feeling hopeful for the future are two things I’ve been actively fighting with lately. It makes sense in a way. Those are two conflicting interests. In order to let go, you need to leave something behind, no longer give it any more attention when at one time, it may have been the only thing you had to guide you. That “thing” was what got you through it, helped you survive. Parts of us are like this. For anyone who has tried to change, you know how difficult this is. We have to reprogram YEARS of wiring, coding, learned behavior. If you had the luxury of growing up in a loving, secure family, congratulations! You won the lottery. For the rest of us, we’re continually anxious about our closest connections OR act like we could care less and find reasons to jump ship for fear of getting attached, cultivating deep intimacy or engaging in conflict. Our anxious selves get activated in panic when our loves pull away because we don’t know who we are without them and our avoidant selves are equally activated and would rather leave first then be disappointed again.


We are the way we are because as children we first learned to endure and then eventually adapt. If we did not have a secure upbringing, we typically grew up in volatile families surviving all types of abuse. We likely felt unsafe and afraid a lot of the time and our emotional needs were rarely met. As children, we may have been prey to predators, taught not to trust our instincts by our caregivers, likely violated, had a limited sense of boundaries and were not allowed to explore ourselves and the depths of our emotions. Many of us grew up in homes with mental illness and no one was there to protect us from their behaviors and actions. We were left to fend for ourselves. It wasn’t our fault. It happened to us and the adults that abused us were most likely raised in similar types of homes themselves. It would be easier for me to blame them, hate them even for what they have done to me, but what prevents me from doing so is the knowing that they are in severe pain too.


In a way, the world is hurting because I feel pain all around me. Instead of lifting each other up, we compete. Instead of loving each other, we control. Instead of connecting, we keep everyone at a safe distance. Instead of healing, we pretend that we are already well. We would rather achieve, win, acquire, consume, ignore, instead of love, listen, support, pause, and be free.


I don’t know much about BDP in terms of genetics, some inherited DNA may make me prone to the disorder, but with treatment I’m hopeful that I will finally begin to heal. I did find a therapist and have begun the work. Today I went back on FB after a few weeks, just to check in. I changed my profile and cover picts to include my loves. Elements and people that nourish me. I scrolled though my feed and felt a kind of neutrality. I didn’t get any life force from it, and I may have expelled more than I received. I’m grateful for the distance from social media, hopeful even.



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