I was never good at this. I have so many of them, “the feels,” and my challenge has been to deal with these in a healthy way. Let’s talk about some of the unhealthy ways I’ve dealt in the past.
Ruminate. Otherwise known as obsess. I can do this better than anyone. Literally, give me something to obsess about and I will win every.single.time. If there was an award for this, I would get it. Over and over and over again, thinking about the same thing in a hundred different ways. The cycle repeats, most often without resolution, and I may stop obsessing about it for a short period of time but it always comes back. I cannot let it go.
Emotional Dependency. It’s usually at this point of rumination that I look outside of myself to find some peace. I have rarely found this inside so why not make it someone else’s job. The problem with this is that if you are my go to for some relief, you can’t provide that for me. Only I can help myself but I haven’t figured this out yet so I’ve already set us up for failure because you will try to help but you can’t. Screw it, let’s drink.
Alcohol. The worst choice I make when I obsess over something and I feel triggered. The easiest thing to do would be to forget about it and this does the trick temporarily. The thoughts however always come back. There is no running from them for long and alcohol brain shuts down the parts of my brain that can self regulate. So while I’m forgetting in my mind, my body doesn’t. I still feel the triggers and the trauma but now I am completely unprepared to respond in a healthy way so I respond in a toxic way.
Lash Out. Hello old friend. I know you. This is where most of the damage in my relationships occur. My alcohol brain responding to triggers that may or may not exist. If I feel close to you, you’ll receive my stream of consciousness, which is not fun and almost always upsetting. Oh and I won’t listen to what you say. I’ll keep at it because it is more important that I talk than hear you. This is the part that shames me the most. It’s when I act the most irresponsible, uncaring, and impulsive. It’s when I cause the most chaos. It’s what has caused me to act without integrity. It’s when I’m not proud of myself, sometimes I hate myself for what I do and say that harms others in this state. It’s also when I’m the most out of control and hurl my pain at others. Like a disc thrower, except the disc is my pain and I’m aiming at you.
In my therapy session with H last week, she assured me that If I continue the work, I will find the new me. This made me feel better about myself because the old me, when it came to handling feels, was someone I was beginning to despise. Mostly because of my impact on others, friends, family, and loved ones.
I’ve been having some strong feels this week about a friendship that was discontinued due to the things I described above. I’ve been so upset about it ever since it happened. I’m still not over it. I don’t connect with many people and this individual was someone that understood me in a very pure and basic way. We triggered each other and I dealt with that using the steps above. It didn’t work out. Big surprise. But I do feel myself changing and that gives me hope. For example, instead of lashing out and drinking, I’m writing on this blog instead. Much more productive and much less hurt all around. I can be proud of me.
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